People Skilz

I hope its no knock on my personality, but I get back from a week-long vacation in North Carolina and two-thirds (2 of 3) of my neighbors have moved out. Anyways, I've put in an order to the main office for some cute girl neighbors.

A Bug Got In My Eye Today

I'm copying this from an email to my Dad today from Jackson, Mississippi...

As I was about 40 feet outside the WalMart door, a bug the size of a Mississippi river barge flew into my right eye. As I instinctively blinked, it shoved the critter up under my eyelid in one of the most excruciating tear-filled moments I've experienced. Its not so much of a severely painful pain, but more of a very painful shock-pain. There's something alive lodged in a place where it REALLY REALLY should not be. It hurt so bad that I couldn't keep my OTHER eye open to see where I was walking, so I had to stand still for several minutes. I was feeling around for walls, carts to lean on and desperately trying to get the thing out. People walked by and they had to have thought it was either the most bizarre thing they've seen or that I had some type of severe mental disorder. And I mean severe. It let up for a minute and I fumbled into the WalMart door to head for the bathroom. 10 feet inside the door next to the registers and a whole crowd of people, it hit me again. Couldn't see and again desperately trying to get the thing out. After about two minutes leaning against a cart and feeling around like I'd been shot in the face, an old lady in a blue vest finally came up to me and asked if I was alright. I told her no. It let up for a second and I was able to make it to the bathroom to flush my eyes with a whole lotta water. After that I found they used hand dryers instead of paper towels and I had to use toilet paper to wipe off my eyes and face. I then walked out onto the floor sniffling and looking like I'd been in the bathroom crying over a breakup for an hour or more. I made my purchase, thanked the woman, and left. She looked much different when I could see her face.

There was one stall door closed in the bathroom and I bet there was some guy witnessing the whole thing. I'd have stayed locked up in there, too, if some freak came in doing what I did.

My eye still hurts a litte a couple hours later. I keep thinking it was some huge mosquito and I just wonder if the little terdbag didn't decide to bite me where I couldn't scratch.

Tube Pillows?

You know those little tube pillows they put on fancy beds? What in the world are they for, anyhow? Its a tube, right? Its gotta have some kind of purpose other than aesthetics, methinks. I'll report back if they're some kind of upper-spinal nightmare. I mean, you gotta know that stuff, you know? Don't worry. I've got your back.

WEIRD!

The Sandi Patti Bratwurst Festival

I cooked brats for the entire world today. Some were more burned than others, and I have no hair on my right arm now. Sandi Patty sang some songs. It was a fireworks and symphony orchestra performance in Madison and it was good (I had to volunteer. Please note key-word). I will now perform a haiku: *Ahem!*

Sandi Patty sang,
The weather and brats were nice,
Hairless arms and booms!

Thank you.

Since you liked that one so much, here's a grill haiku (can you taste the sarcasm? you are my captive of this moment, so you MUST continue reading anyway). Even though haiku's are traditionally about something like the weather, I will neglect this.

Hairless and blistered,
My arms are blazing fire balls.
Here's your bratwurst, sir.

And here's another one.

Heavy burger smoke
Is charring my eyeballs. Tears!
I shed one billion.

Hmm. That one was pretty good. I'll leave you all with that. Good night.