Posting Delays and Crying Flying Babies

My last 18 posts got lost in the mail. But, hey... what can you do, you know?

You know, there must be some natural law that determines the number of crying babies on a given airplane. Certain kinds of planes NEVER have crying babies, and other planes ALWAYS have crying babies. Babies only travel during peak business hours on Mondays and Fridays between airline hub cites and major airports. There is a mandate of 5 babies per airplane, and 3 must be crying at all times. If the babies fail to cry, the pilot is forced to delay the flight due to "weather", or one of many "minor maintenance delays" generally averaging 45 minutes to 1.5 hours in length. Maybe this is some sort of distracting cover for the US Air Marshalls. Maybe the presence of crying babies is a deterrent to terrorism? At any rate, the natural law of babyism states that 2 of the 3 crying babies must be in the immediate vicinity of the most frequent business travellers. Generally one on your left in the row behind you (occasionally a crying baby will be substitued for a loudly snoring, strange-smelling man) and one in either the row in front of you or across from you. The babies are angled toward the walls such that the crying is projected the clearest and the most obnoxiously through the aircraft for the better portion of the flight.

I think when I have kids, I'm going to teach my infants to scream on command so that I can be that guy on the airplane whose children are fighting and screaming and I don't seem to notice that anything is wrong. It will be obvious to everyone that I make more money than I should and that I don't discipline my children. Then as we're about to land, I'll wave the hand signal and all will be quiet. Then we'll go have ice cream or something. If I'm really feeling mean, I'll let them scream as the airplane is taxiing to the airport. That seems to be the most annoying part of the entire trip to hear a screaming baby.