Please Read All Instructions Before Using This Product

Some journalists dive into the heart of military action. Some become sleuths tracking down corruption in the highest levels of government. Some even get their hands dirty in humanitarian efforts to help the less fortunate. Me? I'm not a journalist. But I am about to embark on a potentially insane phase of my life. I'll keep it short of course.I'm going to read all of the instructions on every product I purchase for as long as I can stand it. 3 Days? 2 Months? A year? We'll see.

I bought a vacuum cleaner the other day and it told me I wasn't supposed to run the machine (it's a bagless) without the dust collection basket on there. First of all, "bagless" vacuums really do have bags. They're just plastic and you can dump them out. But I just get this image in my mind of someone sweeping around the house without a collection tank and dust and hair and dirt are just flying all over the place. It also mentioned about 20 times that I was specifically not to cut off the polarized plug (one side is bigger than the other) and replace it with a non-polarized plug. Like people even know what a polarized plug is anyhow... Oh, and you're not suposed to submerse the vacuum cleaner in water. !!? You know there had to be some guy that tried to vacuum up the contents of his tub. And then blamed it on the company saying "The instructions didn't say you couldn't do that!".

I also bought one of those little personal hair trimmers. It's made by Wahl and it comes with a Double Panda Super Alkaline Battery. It probably cost me twice what the Single Panda did. It makes the kind of noise you. hear on Discovery Channel when surgeons are cutting bones. They even included detailed instructions on cutting hair for specific regions of the body. Nose... Ears... Eyebrows... Why do they always say "bikini area"? They don't call your eyebrows the "sunglasses area" or your hair the "baseball hat region". Everybody knows what they're talking about, anyhow. You're also not supposed to shave boogers or earwax. Interestingly enough the instructions give basically no help on what attachment is what. It tells you the names of them in the guide, but now I've got a bunch of cutter thingies that I don't know what they do. Guess I'll just have to be a little more careful. I probably should have just bought a Dremel.