A delightful tour of the United States and assorted locations through the mind of a deranged young genius, named Joe. A cynical and jovial treatment of our fine nation and its finer cities, this blog will focus on people, places, and the endless pursuit of candied corned beef.
Anybody ever have this crazy idea that it would be cool to carve your pumpkin with your bare hands? Man...you'd be scratching at those eyes for a really long time. Forget the teeth. My pumpkin's only going to have eyes. I bet the pioneers did it that way.
posted by Joe Bagley @ 2:02 PM
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This post was inspired by Amy Breeding of Norman, Oklahoma.
Now I am VERY sure that the X chromosome had much to do with your ability to process information into marginally socially acceptable behaviors. Did Amy really inspire this type of thought? In the immortal words of bugs bunny, "I like her, she's silly".
All she told me was that she was having a bunch of people over to her house to carve pumpkins. My first mental picture of this was having a bunch of international students over and they'd just be all over the house gutting pumpkins on the carpet. She said they were going to do it outside. I then began to wonder if she had enough carving utensils for everyone. And then I wondered what happened if someone didn't have a pumpkin. Could they bring a squash to carve? She said that "any fall-harvested vegetable is okay." I then began to visualize someone bringing a little hardened, disfigured, hand-sized squash...and trying to carve it. And then a dried ear of corn. She said it was okay, too, because she wouldn't be the one carving it. There was then a visualization of someone trying to carve their "fall harvested vegetable" (back to the pumpkins) without a cutting utensil. I then reasoned that the most effective method of carving would probably be to scratch at it for a while. There was then a quantum-leap connection to the Pilgrims and the Pioneers and how hard it must have been for them (please do not try to impose any temporal reasoning into the thought process)...you may end up being injured)... the rest... is history.
I go through a weekly or hourly (I can't remember) synapse-remapping cycle.
Oh yes, and Amy's reasonably insane. That helped, too.
...and I don't seem to recall those Bugs Bunny words.
Wow. I don't even know what reasonably insane means. I'm insane to a reasonable extent? Based on reasoning you would diagnose me as insane?
Oh and pumpkin scratching does take a considerable amount of time. And it stains your fingernails.
If you can't remember every word ever uttered by the immortal bugs bunny then I didn't raise you right. How is it that you remember every Monty Python sketch word for word (that's acceptable and expected), and every stupid line in movies like "Army of Darkness". The dumbest movie that I have ever seen, and I have seen lots of really stupid movies in my day. Now where was I going with this........Oh, Yeah. I am going to carve my own tetsakabuto squash (a non-pumpkin cucurbitae)this year BY HAND in honor of AMY. I'll send pictures of both the attempt and the final results. Hang in there Amy.
I think I will definitely be needing pictures of that, Mr. Bagley. Now I am not too experienced in the handling of tetsukabuto squash, but be sure that it withstands exposure to oxygen well... unlike the carved rotting apple sitting on our porch. At least that is the rule of thumb I will be following after this fall.
We live and we learn, don't we Amy? I am poised to begin my adventure with the tetsukabuto this evening. I have to do it while my wife is at her bible study. Otherwise, she might once again question my mental state. It's really difficult trying to explain these things to her while making them sound like some type of scientific endeavor and thus gain her marginal support if not her general interest. I can always throw it away when she's not looking too. P.S. Has Anyone seen or heard from Craig?
Good news: Craig has not fallen off the face of the earth. I know this because, first of all, that would defy all the laws of physics I have so far learned in my physics for life science majors class. But mainly because I saw him just yesterday. Hey, but it is possible they are holding information back from us life science majors for fear that we couldn't handle real physics... either way, Craig's still alive.
Hi, Amy.
As far as I know you don't know me and I don't know you. But Joe and I go way back (at least half a decade--that's 35 years in dog years)...
You said: "Good news: Craig has not fallen off the face of the earth. I know this because, first of all, that would defy all the laws of physics I have so far learned in my physics for life science majors class."
Having gotten my degree in Meteorology and thus taking physics classes:
1) Never listen to what they tell you. It's all lies.
2) More than likely according to Obler's "Paradoxical Rule Concerning the Mean of the Golden Ratio over 2/3's Pi + 1i," Craig has floated off the earth, simply because his first name begins with a 'C' and ends with a 'G'.
3) The person you saw who looks like Craig is really John Travis Josuha Xavier Ryan Kelly Bryant the 5th and a half, from the beautiful land of Luxembourg.
4) Therefore, what needs to be done, is Craig, er, John Travis...Bryant's head needs to be shaved and your latest physics homework written out on his shiney scalp with a red sharpie. When this happens, the fake Craig will float away and the real Craig will float back to earth.
That is all.
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